5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
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Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
happy mother’s day❤️
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
The Eggorcist
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️