5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
You Might Also Like
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.