5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
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Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed