5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
You Might Also Like
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Google reviews are always so mixed..
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”