5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
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Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
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I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
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Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.