5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
You Might Also Like
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
make up your mind
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I’m Sold!
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Ok but actually
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Discuss
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.