@iinkedZombie

5: “I’m so tough because I NEVER cry!”

Me: “What?! You were crying about spiders earlier.”

5: *cries* “BUT THEY HAVE 8 LEGS!”

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@dimplesticks

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

@neonwario

What did Mozart say to the police clerk? “I’ll be Bach” hahaha. What do you mean they’re different people

@kelkulus

Me: The Calvin and Hobbes movie was awesome!
Her: Idiot, that was Life of Pi.
Me: Whatever *gets in cardboard time machine, flies to Mars*

@JediGigi

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

@mactx85

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

@zachreinert03

I think marriage is probably like having a business partner. No that’s not true, probably weird if your business partner takes your kids

@mrjohndarby

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

@protolalia

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.