@jackiembouvier
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
@iinkedZombie
5: “I’m so tough because I NEVER cry!”
Me: “What?! You were crying about spiders earlier.”
5: *cries* “BUT THEY HAVE 8 LEGS!”
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@jackiembouvier
@prufrockluvsong
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
@AimeeHelene1
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
@Fred_Delicious
Bruce Willis angrily returns a cheese grater to the store, “IT DID NOT MAKE THE CHEESE GREATER! IT JUST MADE LOTS OF LITTLE CHEESE” he fumes
@retardedwriter
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
@Pork_Chop_Hair
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
@Sirrruh
One day my kids will find a “We’re Closed” sign for a grocery store & ask what it is & I’ll sound like the old guy explaining shit in Zelda.
@Staggfilms
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
@EmissaryKerry
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
@MandiAtRandom
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words