@IamJackBoot My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
@iinkedZombie 5: “I’m so tough because I NEVER cry!”
Me: “What?! You were crying about spiders earlier.”
5: *cries* “BUT THEY HAVE 8 LEGS!”
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@IamJackBoot 
@AshleyFrankly Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
@XplodingUnicorn Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
@ArfMeasures ME: What’s wrong?
WIFI: You’re obsessed with the internet
ME: Give me one example
WIFI: Look how you’ve spelled wife
@dysondoc Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
@Token_Geezer When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
@adamallday About to finish my second book of the day!
And when I say book, I really mean magazine.
And when I say magazine, I really mean pizza.
@iwearaonesie It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
@whatmaddness Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
@stephenjmolloy *dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”