Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
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Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
“The Perfect Relationship”
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!