@iinkedZombie

5: “I’m so tough because I NEVER cry!”

Me: “What?! You were crying about spiders earlier.”

5: *cries* “BUT THEY HAVE 8 LEGS!”

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@IamJackBoot

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

@AshleyFrankly

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

@XplodingUnicorn

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

@ArfMeasures

ME: What’s wrong?
WIFI: You’re obsessed with the internet
ME: Give me one example
WIFI: Look how you’ve spelled wife

@dysondoc

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

@Token_Geezer

When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers

@adamallday

About to finish my second book of the day!

And when I say book, I really mean magazine.

And when I say magazine, I really mean pizza.

@whatmaddness

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

@stephenjmolloy

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”