5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
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DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
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What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
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BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.