5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
tag yourself
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
You’ll be OK
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
