5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
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girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.