5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
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Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Me when I’m ovulating
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.