5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
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(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”