5 just asked me for a Magic 8 Ball and you know I’m going to get it for her; so she can finally ask all her questions to something that isn’t me

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Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days


Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.


OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?



A friend that steals your tortilla chips is nacho friend.


A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.


Vanilla Ice arrested for grand theft. Cops say, “He jumped in the car, slammed on the gas
bumper to bumper, the avenue’s packed.”


Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point


*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.


Accountants have the toughest job in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.


I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.