Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
5 just asked me for a Magic 8 Ball and you know I’m going to get it for her; so she can finally ask all her questions to something that isn’t me
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Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
A friend that steals your tortilla chips is nacho friend.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Vanilla Ice arrested for grand theft. Cops say, “He jumped in the car, slammed on the gas
bumper to bumper, the avenue’s packed.”
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Accountants have the toughest job in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.