THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
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My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
relationship goals
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean