Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.