5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
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*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.