5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
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Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?