Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

Stop being racist to kettles.

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.