Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
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horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
no their not
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Sharon, call the vet
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.