5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
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Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.