5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
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the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”