One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
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I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
lmao
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.