Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.