Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.

I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.

Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

oh you like nyc? name every rat

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.