5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
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My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
my retirement plan is braless
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace