Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?

Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

☠️

Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

Why does laundry happen to good people?

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.