Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.

ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

[First date]

DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.

ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.

DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?

ME: It’s not my arm.

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.