5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
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All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
💀😭
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*