Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

Something Saturday.

Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes

My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard

man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me

MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

I’m really shy in RL.

But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.

Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.