Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“

Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

this isn’t threatening at all

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

Europe. Made in Germany.

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs

I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

who wore it better?

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no