Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.

[13 HOURS LATER]

Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

classic mixup

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?

How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’

-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.