Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

Smells like a challenge to me

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen