5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
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[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
wait.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Stick it to the man
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
IT’S-A ME,
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?