Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.

ME: “Aloe Vera”

VERA: “Aloe”

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.

If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

Going to church you guys need anything

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

This is the dumbest apocalypse ever

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

Me, at front door: I’m going running

Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?

Me: It’s me!

Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.

When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!