5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
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[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Church Pugh’s
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me