Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets