5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
You Might Also Like
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh