5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
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I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best