[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
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if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance