[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
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Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
New comic up. “Ransom”
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*