[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
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(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
The internet is magic sometimes.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.