Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”

my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”

-nobody