Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

11: You take a lot of naps

Me: Well you weren’t using them

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

We made a comic about a space heater.

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.

A Monday every week is excessive

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.

“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon