Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.