Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

may you live out your days in such a way that they can’t identify the body.

-old irish blessing

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

guys i’ve cracked the code

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.