[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
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The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes