Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

“I got you, babe.”

– kidnappers

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.