5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
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I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
adding to the discourse
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you