I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
You Might Also Like
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.