5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
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*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
ACED my prostate exam!
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
My love language is deader than Latin
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time