5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
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I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.