5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
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the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I’ve had relationships like this
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.