Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

Me: “Is this seat taken?”

Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”

My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

That’s fair

I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.