5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
![]()
You Might Also Like
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
![]()
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.