Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

Seems legit.

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look*

*hours later*
Me: oh SHIT

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.