Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money

me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?

US: lmao

me: ?

US: are you serious

Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in