Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?