5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
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Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.