5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
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A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*