Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

her: aww you’re a cat dad!!

me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings

her: oh-

me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds

her: i… um…

me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies

her: yay!!!

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.