5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
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The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.