Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!

me: do you sell ducks?

him: yes, but they’re going quick

me: ok I’ll take one

[later]
duck: quick
me: I see

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.