Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

[my deathbed]

Kid: Mom where are my shoes?

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.