Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt

me: same

4yo: *blows whistle again*

Me – Actually goes for a walk

FitBit – You OK?

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

[parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech