Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn’t get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
😂

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.