Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

A classic example of a cat being a cat.

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*