5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
You Might Also Like
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.