5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
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The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Coffee is ready.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.