Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

can’t wait til they legalize outside

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do