Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool