Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

Merica.

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.