5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
You Might Also Like
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.