Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.

Santa: yes.

Me: put them together?

Santa: yep.

Me: wrap them up?

Santa: that’s right.

Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?

Santa:

Me:

Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

ㅤ

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes