5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
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Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Sir!!
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO