Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem

Horrifying if literal: foot locker

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

Happens to everyone.

cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

Genuinely no idea what to expect here.

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.