Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
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shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Is….Is this an option?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.