@SaraESpivey

5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian Roulette.

You Might Also Like

@UnrealRogue

Get a free debt analysis by visiting your parents this holiday.

@SoulYodeler

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

@LizHackett

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

@Jake_Vig

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

@FU_TangClan

To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere

@LoveNLunchmeat

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

@BlindChow

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

@The_Dingus_Khan

Husband: We should eat healthier; we eat way too much junk food.

Me, pressing cookie dough into a waffle iron: Do what now?!

@trumpetcake

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”

A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”

A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.